Manage your Expectations

It is amazing that no matter how long you live on this earth; things are definitely going to disappoint you. People are going to let you down.  Things you hope for will not turn out exactly as you plan them.  Your vision will not always materialize in the exact way you have mapped it out.  When these things and others like them happen we can easily get discouraged and give up.  However if we make a choice to accept things as they are instead of having to have things our way, then that’s what I call the art of managing your expectations.   

So what exactly is this whole thing around managing your expectations?  Let me share with you a real life example.  The other day I saw Simon Cowell (from American Idol) on Oprah.  I learned during Simon’s interview that as a music executive at age  30, Simon lost it all..career, house, fancy clothes, cars, etc… and had to move back home with his parents.    Yes, this curve ball changed the route of his career.  This same thing can and has happened to many of us.  It takes away what you thought was your dream and shifts your direction.  When we come to this place or anything place like it, we have 2 choices. We can either choose to be depressed or we can look for the next opportunity, like my mommy used to always say to me “when one door closes, another one opens.”  But how do you find that other door, or even an open window for that matter, if you are not open to the possibility that there indeed is something else out there for you?   It may not even open right away but the point is if you can manage your expectations and “be anxious for nothing” ya know being patient and look for the lessons life is teaching you, only in that quiet space of trust, patience and time do you find that next open door.

So many people would get stuck in this place that Simon found himself in, becoming so depressed that there is no way they would ever be ever to see the open door that was to come, but Simon did!!!  He learned the lessons that this bump in the road was to teach him and slowly rebuilt his career and look at him now!!!!  Simon’s story is definitely a great example of managing your expectations. It is accepting that we may not like the situation but 9 times out of 10, shoot 10 times out of 10, I have seen how it always works together for my good if I can just have the patience to allow this detour to take me on a path that I may not have been expecting.  But that will ultimately lead me to the absolute BEST destination. A destination that is better than I could ever have imagined!  

As I think of this whole thing of self designed direction, it makes me think of my GPS system in my car.  It is interesting that I have a GPS in my car but often when I am driving for some reason my husband will say, this direction this GPS is taking us in, does not look right.  I often find myself trying to explain to him that obviously the GPS knows more than we do after all we have never been to this place before!!! If we can just be patient with the process of the unknown we will indeed arrive at our destination.  However when we go off on our own path, what do we do?  We get lost and end up having to allow the GPS to recalculate where we are.  Ultimately we DO arrive at our destination but it definitely takes a lot longer to get there.  Why?  Because we had to do our own thing!!  We had to do it our way instead of accepting that the GPS has a better plan for us.  Well I consider God as my GPS.  Often times He navigates me on a whole different path than I had for myself.  Shoot if you had asked me 20 years ago if I would be writing a weekly blog, I would have laughed at you.  You see my plan was to be a TV Producer but God had a different plan for me.   I am so glad that I followed my GPS instead of fighting to do things MY way. This destination is FAR better than I could have ever imagined J  I LOVE what I do.  As a matter of fact, I can also say that God (my GPS) navigated me to my husband, another path I did not see!  My GPS even navigated me from the West Coast to my current East Coast home; I definitely did not see myself moving out of LA.  All of this because I managed my expectations, followed the direction right in front of me and took my eyes off of my OWN plans by accepting where I was on the way to where I was going. 

 So here are a few things I had to learn to accept in order to manage my expectations;

1)      I had to let go of things having to work out the way I plan them.  Yes we all have plans you know…married by 30, 2.5 kids by 35 etc…. however once I  learned to let that go I was happy, living moment by moment and then actually meet my husband well past being married at 30.  And HOONNEEYYYYY all the jerks I met that tried to marry me before him…whew….  Yes I have to admit to you that a few of the losers I dated did fit into MY plan but I PRAISE GOD I let that go!  Why? Because knowing my life with a man, career etc…that my GPS directed me to…..there is no way I would be as happy as I am now with any plan I had written for myself!  I can truly say this because I managed my expectations as I allowed my GPS to guide me.  I also learned that God always has a better plan than you have for yourself!

2)      I had to learn to accept people for who they are.  People will disappoint you.  They will often do things in ways you do not expect but if you learn the art of acceptance and get to know them for who they are, than you will understand why they may have done things different than you expected.

3)      I had to learn that if it is for you, it WILL be done.  This allowed me to not focus on a job after an interview or a boyfriend after a first date etc… No matter how many times I tripped over my words or my shoes in whatever place I am, it will not affect the outcome if I am meant to have that particular thing.

4)      I had to learn to be realistic.  If you set unrealistic expectations, of course you will be disappointed.  So if I say I am going to work out 7 days a week, I know that is not going to happen so why even set that goal for myself.  However I can definitely do 4.  Ya get my point?

5)      I had to learn to expect the unexpected.  Now I am in no way saying to live looking for negative but you can always be ready for a negative situation or consequence.  How?  By learning to let go of being attached to the outcome of anything.  My biggest battle here that I truly had to work on is that I am highly organized and my husband is not….I had to REALLY manage my expectations on this one so that I know what his gifts are and what mine are and manage myself accordingly…if ya know what I mean 🙂

The overarching point is that if you live your life managing your expectations, then life becomes an expectation worth managing.  Something to ponder for this week,  in what ways do you need to learn to manage your expectations?  

  “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate, a time for war, and a time for peace.” – Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 “You must learn to live in the present and accept yourself for what you are now. 
What you lack in flexibility and agility you must make up with knowledge and constant practice.” –   Bruce Lee

Patience is a Virtue

As each of us focuses on making “A String of Pearls” and we look at the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) there are 9 pearls that we will focus on cultivating and growing in 2010.  (See our Theme for 2010 tab above for more information on all 9) Here we start our look at our last, Pearl 4 – PATIENCE

I remember hearing someone say that Patience is a Virtue but why?   Webster’s dictionary calls virtue a particular moral excellence.   So does having patience make you a better person?  Think about it.

Think about it this way, when you are driving in your car, rushing because you are running late to get somewhere and then someone cuts in front of you. Patience would have you not get upset or be bothered but continue to focus on your destination.  However this moment without patience  would look like you giving that person the finger and yelling out the window…you all know what I am talking about right?   Patience is a virtue would look like having willpower and restraint in that moment as opposed to getting a attitude because something is in our way.  I can be the first to attest to times that I remember not being patient in a situation and responding to  something too soon, only to find out it would have been better if I had waited, kept my calm and trusted the process.  As a matter of fact, in those times when I need to focus on being patient I often must remind myself of the saying, “good things come to those that wait.” It reminds me to be patiently assured that when it is my time, and if whatever it is, is for me, it will come or it will happen.  However I must admit that sometimes I get stuck up in my own timing and want what I want now instead of focusing on what’s meant to be shall be or God’s timing.   I would liken this to being impatient on Thanksgiving and taking that Turkey out of that oven too soon.  If that happens then guess what,  I have a turkey sitting on my table that is not fully cooked.  It is not done.  So when I think about situation and circumstance in this way, I can leave that person, place or thing that I am being impatient about in the oven, knowing that when it is done, and only when it is done, is when I can pull it out of that oven. If you know what I mean.

According to Wikipedia, “patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting annoyed or angry; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.” So patience really is the ability and willingness to wait without complaining.  The key here is that being tolerant does not mean that you accept everything that happens without questioning it.  Patience is definitely not always content with the place you are in, however it is the act of learning to wait and accepting the process.  Knowing that after you have done all you can do, you must wait.  Just like that turkey on Thanksgiving, if you want it to be fully cooked you must wait!!!

Another example would be  planting a seed.  You water it and water it and sooner or later it will grow.  It is the in-between stage when you see nothing come out of that ground that you have to have that virtue of patience so that you will not give up.   Instead you accept that you must go through this process to get to the other side, the other side of this would be that beautiful flower.

“The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.” – Arnold H. Glasgow

Yes, it takes patience to wait for a seed to grow out of that ground, a egg to hatch, that turkey to be completely cooked on Thanksgiving.  However, it also takes patience to watch your 5 year old child, little sister or niece do something without doing it for her.  After all if you do it, how will she ever learn how to do it herself?  This makes me think of a scene from the movie “Ray”.  When Ray Charles is a boy and is just finding out he is loosing his sight.  In one scene he falls down and yells for his mother to help him.  What does his mother do? She is silent and she watches him.  She is silent and allows him to learn to pick himself back up.  Why does she do this?  She does this because she knows that the world will not help her son and that he has to learn how to help himself.  Yes Ray had to become patient with himself as he learned but Ray’s mother also had to be patient with not just Ray but with herself as she allowed him to go through the process to get to the self sufficiency she knew he would need to make it in this world as someone that is blind. The point I am trying to make is that patience is often the key toward reaching any goal in life.   That indeed is why it is a virtue.

To live a life without patience would often have you give up on that turkey before it is cooked all the way through or a seed before it has an opportunity to grow.  You give up on it because you want instant gratification instead of waiting on the process it takes and ya’ll know a Turkey cannot be cooked in a microwave!!! At least not a good one anyway 🙂  Patience allows you to live in the moment, recognizing that change happens over time and is a slow process.  Patience teaches us that if we can just sit back and have peace about any situation we will find acceptance, perseverance and the ability to trust.

As we delve into patience over the next few weeks, think about the areas in your life that make you feel impatient.  Are you impatient about how long it is taking for you to get that raise?   Or your man who is getting on your last nerve? Or the fact that you want a relationship and Mr. Right never seems to come?  Whatever it is, think of one way that you can find peace in the process to have enough patience to get to the other side.

“Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.” ~Barbara Johnson

“Patience is not passive; on the contrary it is active; it is concentrated strength.” ~ Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

“How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?”  ~Paul Sweeney

“Patience can’t be acquired overnight.  It is just like building a muscle.  Every day you need to work on it.” ~ Eknath Eswaran

What’s Mine is Mine!

Over the last month we have discussed peace from the perspective of the civil rights movement and its sit-ins and bus boycotts.  We’ve talked about Jesus being asleep on a boat during a storm. We have talked about being anxious for nothing and not letting our emotions get the best of us and last week we discussed sitting on mommy’s lap and really letting your soul be on vacation in order to find a place to rest, unwind and let go.  This week as we prepare to end this pearl – peace and move into our next pearl which is patience, I want to summarize or combine all of these ingredients to peace so that we can each find that peace which is the whole point in our blog discussion.

This quest for peace really comes down to knowing what’s mine is mine.  What God has for me is for me!  In other words, whatever is meant to be shall be.  Yes, having peace is the confidence in knowing that you can sit back in a hammock and relax through process after process, instead of fighting .   Now I am not saying that we should do absolutely nothing about things, but there does come a time when you have done all you can do and all you CAN do is wait it out. So why not wait with the confidence in knowing all will be well.   After all, peace knows how to wait it out gracefully; as opposed to biting your finger nails and sitting on the edge of your seat.   It is while you wait that you must have find that patience or comfort in knowing that whatever is meant for you WILL be done!

So, in order to find this kind of peace in our lives, there are a few areas that I have found must be in accordance.  These areas are what I like to call the Peace Fighting Principles. I call them this because having peace in your life is a choice and if we choose to have it we must choose to fight to keep it!  So here are my Peace Fighting Principles;

1. Spend time only on the things that are in harmony with who you want to be. Make a list of who you want to be; a good wife, a great mother, a wonderful friend, owner of your own business, a person who gives back to the community? Anything that falls outside of that list should not be something that you allow to become your center of attention.  It should not be on your radar.   I say this so that the things that are not in accordance with who you want to be, will not be things you give your time, energy, attention to so that they will not take your focus off of the things that mean the most to you.

2. Realize who is REALLY on your team? This really speaks to who are your TRUE friends and SHOULD be in your life. I say team because if we are talking about each of us winning at the game of life, who will help you score points and ultimately win?   Whoever is not trying to help you work toward excellence, it’s time to let them go.  Let go of all the negative folks, all the drama that is only taking away instead of adding something to your life.  If your friends are not a starting player in the lineup of your life and don’t score, they need to go. Sitting on the bench ain’t playing, at least that what my coach used to say to me back in the day.  Do you think the Lakers, or Celtics or Cavaliers would keep someone on their team that could not score? Or are at least making some kind of contribution to the team?

3. Learn to let  it go! If you are holding on to hurt or grudges because of something someone did to you in the past, it is time to let it go!!!!  Let go of that negative emotion that is keeping you stuck.   This also can be a bad attitude or a negative viewpoint on a certain person, place or thing.   Keep in mind that…

“Forgiveness happens naturally as soon as you realize that the past cannot prevail against the power of Presence!” – Eckhart Tolle

4.Make sure you get rid of the baggage.  Part of letting go is also realizing how that hurt or grudge may affect how you treat or react to other people going forward.  Are you afraid of beginning a new relationship because of what Johnny did or you don’t want to work for another black woman because of the last one you worked for?  Whatever it is, in order to TRULY let go you have to get rid of all the baggage that came with it.

5. Take off your cap.  Is it you that is putting a limit on who you are and what you can or cannot do?  Think about it and if so take off that cap like the lid to your very own bottle so that only the sky can be your limit.  Stop having a pity party or thinking you are not equipped to do something and get equipped and then do it!!!!  There is nothing like staying stuck in who you wish you were when you can start to work toward it now!! You can even pull in a team member or two to help you get there if you need to.  It’s time to stop standing in your own way!!!!

6. Know who you are! Trust the gifts that are uniquely yours.  So instead of focusing on what you can’t do, focus on what you CAN do!!!  If you don’t know what your gift is, than take some time and explore and find out what you are good at.   Also, if you find out your man is cheating on you, please don’t be mad at the other woman, it was HIS choice and after all, it truly has nothing to do with you!!!  So KNOW WHO YOU ARE and don’t let it affect you.  This same thing applies to, if you lose your job, if a friend stabs you in the back etc….  Ultimately it is trusting who you are, the friends that deserve to be on your team and letting go of negative that will allow you to live in a state of peace as you trust and believe in YOU!   Yes GOD don’t make NO junk!!!

These 6 principles will allow you to find peace as you change your perspective to knowing that what’s yours is yours just as what’s mine is mine.  You begin to feel good living in your own skin, and knowing this and feeling this, makes living in peace second nature.  So ladies take this next week and ponder what are the roadblocks to you being able to enact your very own Peace Fighting Principles?  It’s time for you to begin your own fight for peace!!

“Whenever you are sincerely pleased, you are nourished.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“One day we must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but that it is a means by which we arrive at that goal. We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means.” — Martin Luther King Jr

“Life is lived in the present.  Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow is yet to be.  Today is the miracle.” – unknown

“Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it”. – Brian Tracy

Sitting on Mommy’s Lap

This quest for peace we have been discussing over the last few weeks, really does remind me of the feeling I had as a child, sitting on my mommy’s lap and what a perfect time to explore this than Mother’s Day weekend!!   The feeling I used to get back in the day just sitting with my Mommy was that all was well and I did not have a care in the world.  I felt like my mommy had it all under control and as a little girl she really did in my eyes.  I actually have the same feeling these days when I go to see my mom and sit at her dinner table and eat her good ole soul food…whew!!!!  This peace just comes over me bite after bite!!!! Or when I am on vacation and I am sitting on the beach, listening to the waves roll in.    Sitting on my Mommy’s lap is what I would call a glimpse of what having peace of mind is like.  For just sitting there on my mommy’s lap always gave me a sort of inner calmness and tranquility and it also gave me a sense of freedom as I knew that my mommy had me covered and I did not have to worry about anything!!!!  It was a moment in time when there was no stress, anxiety, worry or fear. 

If you don’t know what I mean regarding sitting on your Mommy’s lap, think about this, have you experience a moment where you feel like you can let your hair down? A moment when you’re calm and all the stress at home does not even come to mind as your soul is on vacation? Think about it, even while you are asleep, you are in a state of inner peace.  The question we have been trying to define these last few weeks is how do we create this kind peace of mind in our life on a daily basis? More importantly, how can we experience this peace of mind in times of trouble?   To find the answer to this question, we must learn how to bring more moments of inner peace into our daily life.

I think it all boils down to this; yes that we must make a choice but REALLY that choice is to  keep our mind focused on all that is good.  It’s like trying to stay in a state of being on vacation 24/7 and anything that steals us from that seat on the beach has got to go.  So that if we can keep our mind, our thoughts our feelings focused on what is good, then that will produce the peace we seek in our lives.  If you don’t believe me, take a moment and think of about 5 folks you know.  Think of the one’s that always seem to have a positive attitude and think of the one’s with the negative attitude.  What is the difference in what is produced in each of their lives?  Sure they both will go through hard times but the one with a positive mind is the one that comes out on top as the negative ends up turning into a positive over time but only if you can stay focused on positive.  Is like the song by Donnie McClurkin “We fall down, but we get up” you see it takes the positive state of mind to help you get up, over and over again. The negative state of mind would say you are down for the count and can’t get up and thus ya stay down there.   So ladies this desire for peace of mind may cause us all to make a mental shift in the way we think.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”  – Romans 12:2

Now I will tell you what this bible verse mean to me, a regular girl, no I am not a minister but  a woman that desires to be the best ME that I can be. Ya know, to let my light shine! Well what this bible verse says to me, is that the world may tell you that you need to get Jonny back for how he hurt you,  but instead if I am  transformed into positive thinking and move on from that situation and let it go, God will bring someone 20x’s better than Johnny just because I have found peace in the midst of that storm.    You see if I find peace like my sitting on my mommy’s lap moment, especially in those times when it is SOOOOOO hard to do so, ya know to find that feeling you had back in the day when you knew Mommy or for some of us Grandmommy or Auntie etc…. had it all handled, than why can’t I feel the same why about the creator who made my Mommy – GOD!  So if I can feel like Mommy’s got my back than I MUST know that God made my back….if ya know what I mean.   With this renewing of my mind, thoughts, thinking, I can  then focus on….. “Keeping  your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” – Proverbs 4:23  and by keeping my heart focused on peace and finding the sun in every rain drop than I will only produce……“ whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” – Philippians 4:8 If I can stay positive than in essence I am making a choice on what I am focusing and/or meditating on.  You know what I am thinking about 24/7. And if I can get my thoughts moving for my good then I will be headed in the direction of rekindling my sit on mommy’s lap moment not just today or in this moment, but to live with peace and to have peace of mind every day of my life!  The trick is how do we keep our mind focused only that which is good?  My question for you this week is what is that one thing for you, that will help you pull yourself back to your very own sitting on Mommy’s lap moment?  What will give you that peace, that moment in time when you can let it all go and trust that all will be fine?

 “Fill your mind with the meaningless stimuli of a world preoccupied with meaningless things, and it will not be easy to feel peace in your heart – Marianne Williamson

 “When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” –  Francois de la Rochefoucauld

 “The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.  The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.” – Marcus Aurelius

 “Peace is not the absence of conflict, bu the presence of God no matter what the conflict.” – Unknown